Friday, June 8, 2012
Time for 3
Posted by Unknown at 12:16 PM 0 comments
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Sometimes it's the little things
So days have gone by since I posted about not wanting to be in the spotlight. I went on and on in a random problem rant about not wanting to be in the newspaper in my local home town. I talked about how I felt rejected by the town and many of the people in it.
I don't regret my post nor have my feelings changed to much but today while searching for completely random things on Pintrest (best site ever) I happen to come across this picture.
In life I tend to forget my mistakes, aren't mistakes all the time. In fact some of those so called mistakes are indeed 'blessings' that I don't recognize until years past. Let me explain.
This may get lengthy and personal:
Decemeber 19 2010 we went to the Alabama temple and were sealed to each other and the kids for time and all eternity and are welcoming our third child into the world in just 5 short weeks. This baby will be the first baby born into the covenant and it doesn't make her any more special to me but it does bring me a peace knowing it took us years of doing things backwards and many many MISTAKES on my part but I finally figured out the important things in life.
Without my mistakes I wouldn't be Mormon, I most likely wouldn't be married to Caylon and there is a strong chance I wouldn't be a mom at this point in my life. All things I wouldn't give up for anything in this world. I am THANKFUL for those mistakes that have become my blessings!!
Posted by Unknown at 5:44 PM 0 comments
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Spot Light~ No thanks!
Okay, so I am one of those people you meet and think to yourself "this girl loves to talk, and be around people" some may even say she loves the spotlight.. This can be so very true. Yet when it comes to being talked about or shown off in my hometown I want to run screaming in the other direction. Let me explain
I was that girl, the one who let town with no one really thinking I would survive. When I left school I not only had friends telling me getting married and moving to Georgia was never going to work I had some of my favorite teachers say the same thing. Teachers whom had known me since I was a child, personally going out of their way saying I wasn't smart enough to leave early and go to college in Georgia. Not strong enough to raise a child as a young mother married to the military living states away from everything I had ever know. When I came up pregnant it was a shock, of course it wasn't exactly how I saw my future going but the one thing I knew from that positive test on was " I was going to be a mom and I was going to do my Damn best to make it as a wife and mother to a family in the military." I pretty much had Ri~Lee in March and then suddenly packed up and hit the road for Georgia not even a month later, only really telling the 3 or 4 friends I had and family. I was so hurt and done with everyone whom had either left me in the dust when I became pregnant or whom had old me I was going to fail.
I go back to visit about every 6 months if not more often and in the last years I've kept my distance from the school and town I spent 17 years in. I went to the school I think 3 times since I moved away and all 3 times were in 2010 for the graduation activities of my sister Stevie. I have not only avoided the school but I avoid the wal-Mart the gas stations. I used to think I did it because I was better then the town, yet, now I am starting to realize it's because I have nothing to prove to the town. I have nothing to prove to the people who doubted me and my abilities or my love for my husband. I don't see the point in telling them how well we are doing. I don't personally think anyone would really care. The few people whom I would want to know about my life are still involved in it and keep in contact with me on facebook.
I haven't thought about nay of this for years but this last week I've found myself dealing with the feelings all over again. See Caylon has won numerous military awards this year topping them off with the AIR FORCE ISR ENLISTED INSTRUCTOR OF THE YEAR. This award is the top, it means he is #1. Because of his many accomplishments over the last year (11 awards to be exact) my wonderful family was wanting to put him in the paper in our home town. I agree this is a wonderful thing and since people love him there it would be wonderful. My grandma and his parents would love it if no one else cares.. The problem I have with it is Caylon and my father are dead set on including me in this article. See what many don't know is I as a Key Spouse in his Squadron was submitted for awards as well. These awards are an honor don't get me wrong. I was truly blessed to be thought of to be submitted for them. I just don't see why the town needs to know about it. It is nothing in comparison to Caylon many military achievements. See his are based unpon performance at work and some are even voted on by his peers in the sq. Mine is based upon voluntary actions I've done in the sq and the community. These are things I just did, not knowing a year later I'd be submitted for these awards. My dad and hubby want it to be included in the article to 'stick it to the town' if you will. They are so proud of what I have done as a mother, wife, and military spouse they want to show those who told me our marriage would fail, who said I wouldn't be a good mother and couldn't handle military life that I can and have survived quite well. My father really wants to have everyone basically eat their words or kiss my ass, years ago I was all for this but now I just want to continue to be forgotten. I don't feel like I even owe that place the knowledge of how well my life has turned out.
I even caught Caylon typing up his news article to email to my dad and he closed it out quickly because he didn't want me to see the typed article. It included my award and how proud of me he was for being a huge military supporter for our sq. He also typed in the text of the e-mail that he knows some of the article will need to be cut out he would prefer some of his info be removed as much as needed as long as my award and info is included in the article.. I of course got mad, that he and my parents were as I feel conspiring against my wishes that I be left out.. I still feel hurt that they are trying to included me in it against my wishes, yet I am trying to force myself to see why they so badly want me in their. I just don't think I compare to the amount of achievements Caylon has earned in his career and especially this past year of 2011.
I know poor me complaining about being recognized by the paper for things I've done. I for once in my life really would like to say NO THANKS on the SPOT LIGHT!!!
The only time I need my name in that paper again is when we renew our wedding vows in 3 1/2 years to celebrate our 10 year anv.
Still not sure I will be able to stay out of the article since I know it's me against Caylon and both my parents. I am almost 100% sure they will sneak me in their somewhere and there isn't a dang thing I ca do or say about it. I just struggle with all my negative memories of the town and many of the people (though some are so totally awesome and I love them). I know some memories I brought on myself if not most to all of them, but being dropped by a group of people you were surrounded by for years at school and especially at church is something I just haven't moved completely past. Yep I know work on that grudge girl!! Ahh, It's a work in progress, I promise.. :)
I know you are all dying to hear if I make it in the paper. I'll let you know... I can say this much, even if my name shows up in print my hugely pregnant face isn't about to get put in the paper...
Posted by Unknown at 9:34 PM 0 comments
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Harshly Judged
We are all familiar with stories from the news about teen girls and boys taking their own lives due to teasing, gossip, things such as being completely ignored or let out also tend to play a part.We hear of kids taking guns and knives to school to hurt those who have verbally or physically hurt them and we morn their pain as well as their families pain.
We tell our children to speak to everyone, to befriend all those they come in contact with yet I wonder as adults do we really strive to do the same. My mom always said "Do As I Say, Not As I do" I can't help but remember back to that and think that is so not how it should be, what about "Do As I do"? How about instead of us telling our children to do what we say and not as we do we actually do as we say as well. How about we try to befriend all those we come in contact with and speak to everyone. It's not like we suddenly hit a certain age and have kids that we become unhurt by peoples actions or comments. We don't develop this turtle shell to bounce off things and keep us safe. We as adults can be hurt just as easily by people speaking mean, or just by them ignoring us or leaving us out. Don't get me wrong, some people get hurt much to easily, but some take much more then their share or the punishment from others and many times it is undeserved.
Why doesn't to cross our minds that adults are just as fragile as children when it comes to playing mind games and speaking ill of them. Why aren't we worried about the things some might do to escape the pain when we are adults. It isn't like things suddenly disappear as adults people still fear there life is harder now then it would be when they are gone. People still cry themselves to sleep at night. Adults still feel like they are constantly being judged by those around them and at times still aren't sure whom their true friends really are. The mere fact that grow adults have to question who they are and who truly loves them who who they are is a very sad thing for me. I've been in this spot, questioning who I was. Wondering if I was ever going to be enough for people to expect, hoping that someday I would meet the standards set forth by those judging me. At some point I realized I didn't need their approval as much as I thought they did. I realize the only approval I need to feel good about myself was mine and Heavenly Father's and as long as I know he approves and I love myself, I found I am more able to approve and LOVE those around me. I am more able to not judge harshly and to not assume what someone is like or what they stand for.
I encourage you all to ponder this next time you tell your kids to befriend someone or to not judge someone, next time you say "DO AS I SAY NOT AS I DO", Ask yourself this AM I DOING AS I SAY?? AM I BEFRIENDING ALL THOSE I CAN AND AM I LOOKING AT PEOPLE WITH AN HONEST HEART AND NOT JUDGING THEM?
If you can answer this then you really not need to work on yourself and for that I congratulate you, but for most of us this is a much tougher question when we really look deep and pursue the honest answer to our lives and the paths we are on.
Posted by Unknown at 10:01 PM 0 comments
Labels: a new outlook
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Time for Change
Posted by Unknown at 7:03 PM 1 comments
Labels: a new outlook
Thursday, January 19, 2012
BOY or GIRL
After having 2 kids (1 girl and 1 boy) this pregnancy I haven't been able to get my gut feeling on the gender. I am really okay either way but thought it would be fun to try every single old wise tell gender prediction test I can find and see what results I get between now and the end of Feb when I find out from the doctor.
Month of Conception | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 | 32 | 33 | 34 | 35 | 36 | 37 | 38 | 39 | 40 | 41 | 42 | 43 | 44 | 45 |
January | G | B | G | B | G | B | B | G | B | G | B | G | B | B | B | G | B | B | G | B | G | B | G | B | G | B | B | G |
February | B | G | B | G | B | B | G | B | G | B | G | B | G | G | G | B | G | B | B | G | B | G | B | G | B | G | B | B |
March | G | B | G | G | B | G | B | B | B | G | B | G | G | B | B | B | B | G | B | B | G | B | G | B | G | B | G | B |
April | B | G | B | G | G | B | B | G | G | B | G | G | G | G | G | B | G | B | G | B | B | B | B | G | B | G | B | G |
May | B | G | B | G | B | B | G | G | G | G | G | B | G | G | G | G | G | G | B | G | B | B | G | B | G | B | B | G |
June | B | B | B | G | G | G | B | B | B | G | G | B | G | G | G | G | G | G | G | B | G | G | B | G | B | G | B | G |
July | B | B | B | G | G | B | B | G | G | B | B | B | G | G | G | G | G | G | G | G | B | G | B | B | G | B | G | B |
August | B | B | B | G | B | G | G | B | B | B | B | B | G | G | G | B | G | B | G | B | G | B | G | B | B | G | B | G |
September | B | B | B | G | G | B | G | B | G | B | B | B | G | G | G | G | G | G | B | G | B | G | B | G | B | B | G | B |
October | B | B | G | G | G | B | G | B | G | B | B | G | G | G | G | G | G | G | B | B | G | B | G | B | G | B | B | G |
November | B | G | B | G | G | B | G | B | G | G | G | G | B | G | G | G | B | B | B | G | B | G | B | G | B | B | G | B |
December | B | G | B | G | G | G | G | B | G | B | G | G | B | B | B | B | B | B | B | B | G | G | G | B | G | B | G | B |
Posted by Unknown at 7:18 PM 0 comments
Labels: Exper-a-mints
CDO & ADDH
This last week I've been trying really hard to organize rooms and clean out Crap we have in the space that will become the babies room. Man these are those days when I wish I was medicated or had someone standing over my shoulder keeping me moving in the proper direction. Now I know many of you will read this and think "What's the big deal clean the dang room" I only wish my days were that simple. Let me enlighten you a bit.
Task at hand: Organize baby room for painting
Purpose achieved- HECK NO!
Posted by Unknown at 9:46 AM 0 comments
Labels: DAY to Day Life
Monday, January 16, 2012
Welcome Back~ Life with a refreshing point of View~
It's been almost a full year since I last blogged, I took time away because I wasn't feeling like I had anything more to share. In the last few months I have come to realize I wrote this blog not to share everything with people but to remind myself of what is going on.
I have been teaching in Relief Society for about a year and a half, I can't say I have had that many great lessons but I can say they keep me around so I can't be doing that bad. I'm coming off a year of trips and stumbles in my personal life. I have spent the year punishing myself for mistakes I made and not letting myself grow or live like I should. I hadn't really though to much about why I kept punishing myself I just kept doing it. In the last 2 months things have happened that have caused me to reevaluate my life and the way I look at myself and others around me. I came to realize after many years I was still holding in feelings of anger, and my feelings being hurt along with a bit of shame with me towards people. The last few weeks I have felt prompted to speak to people I had never give the chance to because I was warned or told by others I would have nothing in common with or wouldn't like the way they behaved. That was a HUGE mistake on my part, to let other people dictate whom I would like or not like was completely wrong on my part. I decided to give people a chance over the last few weeks after all it is a new year why not. Guess what I learned some of these people are pretty amazing and I really do enjoy being around them. Who knew right? :)
For those of you that new me in school I was always in a conflict with someone, and even though I tried hard not to let that follow me into my adult life it did at times (some times it wasn't me bring the conflict in, sometimes it was) I have been in the Bishop's office because of issues with others I've had talks with Caylon about issues with others and even talked to friends about issues with others but something I very seldom did was talk to the PERSON I had and issue with. Some of my pending issues were years old and I found I had been caring them around with me for much to long. After chatting with several women in our ward I came to realize there are several different issues with several different people going on in the ward. Clicks just like High school (they truly never leave) were/are going on and I realized in my chats that for the first time EVER I don't have any issues with anyone. I can honestly say I have no harsh feelings, mean thoughts or bad vibes towards a single person in the ward in the squadron or really in my life right now.. I was shocked when I actually said this out loud, it hit me really hard to realize that I AM FREE. Do you know how good it feels to be free of conflict free of tension (expect my current headache) and mostly free of drama(can't help but hear of others drama)! I feel uplifted and upbeat.
I teach once a month in R.S. and this new manual we got made me very nervous. I had been struggling for months on the inspiration vs desperation thing with my calling and most Sundays Desperation was winning. I am sure some could tell. I also received a new presidency over the holiday and the swap was making me a bit nervous as well. New ladies sometimes me new preferred teaching styles. I was also dreading the new manual over George Albert Smith. I sat down and glanced at the title of this lesson and saw "LOVE THY NEIGHBOR AS THYSELF" I can honestly say I was excited to teach this. I was researching the lesson when I stumbled across this quote
I leave you celebrating with my on my new found peace and joy on finally being able to look at everyone and have love in my heart. I can say it was not easy and it took for some people years before I was able to see them with this feeling, but I am finally able to do it. To pray whole heartily about them when they are in need and to smile with sincere heart.
Posted by Unknown at 8:24 PM 2 comments
Labels: Faith