Monday, February 29, 2016

Ugh a motivation class :(

This question was posted towards me in a class I'm currently taking. I have been in a funk and I suppose it takes a stranger to point that out.

Hi Samantha,
Thank you for sharing with us. Have you ever read The Death of Ivan Ilich Novella by Leo Tolstoy? Some of your words reminded me him of him.

What will it take for you to be happy doing what you are doing such as working on earning degrees? You say you hate school so I'm wondering why would someone be willingly unhappy doing what they hate instead of pursuing what they truly treasure and love doing. You also mentioned that you push yourself, this push you mentioned is the kind of push as in forcing yourself to achieve school per se? Or is there an underlying "push " that acts as your internal biological or psychological source of motivation?

I don't read much. Really I don't read at all. I don't enjoy it nor have time to really put into it. I am a busy body sitting and reading isn't something I enjoy. I don't like to be still. You asked what it would take for em to be happy doing what I'm doing working on my degree. It will take me being done to be happy. My degree is a stepping stone one I cannot avoid and must have to reach my ultimate goal. So here I am taking one class (stone) at a time working towards my next degree. I despise school, I go for the reason so many others go. I need it to do what I love.  You seem to think I am not pursuing what I truly treasure and love, that's not it at all. I am very much going after what I love it just requires extreme amounts of school to get there. That by no means says I have to enjoy the process of getting there. You asked about my push as well. I suppose there is two plain reasons I go through school. The first isn't very personal at all, it is quite simple actually. I want to be a therapist, and I know I will make a dang good one. The second reason for the push is quite personal and something I don't openly admit but it's an on line class so why no....  I push for my degree because I haven't earned one like everyone else does. I didn't graduate high school with my friends, I got married my junior year moved half way across the country and had a baby. To make this happen I went and dropped out of high school January of my junior year to apply to take the G.E.D. test. I was told by teachers that had known me since childhood, friends, and even family members that this was an awful idea and I would not pass because the test was just to plain hard. (mind you I had a 4.0 GPA in advanced classes, I was by no means an academic slacker). I took the test and waited like many of my senior class friends for a big letter in the mail but mine wasn't for college it was for my diploma. I ended up not only passing my first try I blew the state required scores out of the water, but it made no difference to those who had doubt I was still making a big mistake. I've carried their doubt for 10 years and I've let it play in the back of my mind. I didn't go to college initially because I didn't know what my calling in life was going to be (other than wife an mom of three). Two years ago this month I applied to college and started this process, knowing finally what I wanted to do and knowing that it not only took my Bachelors degree but my Master's as well. I'm not a dumb kid but it is hard to completely let go of the hurt that built when friend's and family let go of their faith in you. I go so that my G.E.D doesn't define me. I go so someday my parents can actually watch me walk across a stage for a degree and my kids can see that my mistakes as a teen pushed me to my achievements as an adult. I also know all of this past and present will help me in my career as well. Do I like school no, do I have a bad taste in my mouth about school in general yes and yes I am very aware that I let myself slip into the past at times. This is one of those times, this time a year I get in a funk and for some unforeseen reason right in the middle of my unmotivated funk I end up taking a class on MOTIVATION. Now if that isn't meant to be. :)