True Meaning of Christmas

True Meaning of Christmas

Just a week before Christmas I had a visitor. This is how it happened. I just finished the household chores for the night and was preparing to go to bed, when I heard a noise in the front of the house. I opened the door to the front room and to my surprise, Santa himself stepped out next to the fireplace.

"What are you doing?" I started to ask. The words choked up in my throat and I saw he had tears in his eyes. His usual jolly manner was gone. Gone was the eager, boisterous soul we all know. He then answered me with a simple statement . . .

"TEACH THE CHILDREN!" I was puzzled. What did he mean? He anticipated my question and with one quick movement brought forth a miniature toy bag from behind the tree. As I stood bewildered, Santa said, "Teach the children!

Teach them the old meaning of Christmas. The meaning that now-a-days Christmas has forgotten. "Santa then reached in his bag and pulled out a FIR TREE and placed it before the mantle. "Teach the children that the pure green color of the stately fir tree remains green all year round, depicting the everlasting hope of mankind, all the needles point heavenward, making it a symbol of man's thoughts turning toward heaven."

He again reached into his bag and pulled out a brilliant STAR. "Teach the children that the star was the heavenly sign of promises long ago. God promised a Savior for the world, and the star was the sign of fulfillment of His promise."

He then reached into his bag and pulled out a CANDLE. "Teach the children that the candle symbolizes that Christ is the light of the world, and when we see this great light we are reminded of He who displaces the darkness."

Once again he reached into his bag and removed a WREATH and placed it on the tree. "Teach the children that the wreath symbolizes the real nature of love. Real love never ceases. Love is one continuous round of affection."

He then pulled from his bag an ORNAMENT of himself. "Teach the children that I, Santa Claus, symbolize the generosity and good will we feel during the month of December."

He then brought out a HOLLY LEAF. "Teach the children that the holly plant represents immortality. It represents the crown of thorns worn by our Savior. The red holly berries represent the blood shed by Him.

Next he pulled from his bag a GIFT and said, "Teach the children that God so loved the world that he gave his begotten son." Thanks be to God for his unspeakable gift.

Santa then reached in his bag and pulled out a CANDY CANE and hung it on the tree. "Teach the children that the candy cane represents the shepherds' crook. The crook on the staff helps to bring back strayed sheep to the flock. The candy cane is the symbol that we are our brother's keeper."

He reached in again and pulled out an ANGEL. "Teach the children that it was the angels that heralded in the glorious news of the Savior's birth. The angels sang Glory to God in the highest, on earth peace and good will toward men."

Suddenly I heard a soft twinkling sound, and from his bag he pulled out a BELL,. "Teach the children that as the lost sheep are found by the sound of the bell, it should ring mankind to the fold. The bell symbolizes guidance and return.

Santa looked back and was pleased. He looked back at me and I saw that the twinkle was back in his eyes. He said, "Remember, teach the children the true meaning of Christmas and do not put me in the center, for I am but a humble servant of the One that is, and I bow down to worship him, our LORD, our GOD."



Happy Hoidays!!!

Happy Holidays everyone,



It is hard to believe another holiday is upon us.
We started 2010 out with Kaden turning one and Caylon preparing for a deployment back to the “oh so” luxurious desert and Ri-Lee and I trying to track down boxes for our BIG move to a house off the base (finally). Since us military folks like to do things the hard way I decided we would move while Caylon was deployed. It was by far my brightest idea of the year. From February to April I slowly packed the house on base set up everything for the new house while continuing to be a chauffeur, cook, maid, teacher, squadron key spouse meal delivery rep, and a Primary Secretary for our church all while Caylon got the easy job of relaxing in the sun overseas. =) We had everything from ER visits, stomach bugs, pipes bursting just days before moving to birthday parties going on during the first few months of the year. May came and I got us settled into the new house just in time for Caylon to come home and the very next day load up the car and head out on the lovely 22 hour drive back to Oklahoma for my sister Stevie’s senior festivities. We did prom, baccalaureate and graduation not to mention family dinners and a move for Stevie to her apartment all in the 3 weeks we were there. It was a blast but we were looking forward to the slow life in Georgia again. We were so wrong in that assumption. The months of June through August were filled with Caylon going through Intel Instruction Upgrade, Stevie coming to celebrate the Fourth of July with us, Ri-Lee getting ready for Pre-K and Kaden proving to us he is all boy by sending us back to the ER a few more times for stitches and such. We enjoyed Halloween with a much too short visit from my mom and dad then started off the Holiday season by having our own little Thanksgiving dinner and putting up our Christmas tree. December is here and Caylon is now in a new training squadron as a Flying Intel Instructor (this means hopefully he will be in the states for a while), Ri-Lee is preparing for her first school Christmas Party and dance recital, Kaden is preparing for his gifts and his second birthday just weeks after Santa comes and me well I’m preparing to make every party, dance class, flight and day run as smoothly as possible in 2011. =)

We hope you have a Very Merry Christmas and a Wonderful New Year!

Caylon, Samantha, Ri~Lee & Kaden Jett



The Kimball’s

Christmas 2101

Stirling Snowflake Holiday

Christmas cards and holiday thank you cards by Shutterfly.

View the entire collection of cards.

It's been too long---- Thanksgiving

It's been a while I know I am sorry I haven't felt to much like writing but today is different...

So on a serious note, I know many are writing about how much they love Thanksgiving and how it's the best holiday, but to be honest I wish we could eat turkey on a different day and skip Thanksgiving. November 2003 we got dressed and headed over to my grandma and grandpa Thompson's house like we did every Thanksgiving, we always go over early to watch the parade while Dad, Grandma and Aunt Frieda cook. We got there and started doing our thing when Grandma asked mom to go check on Clarence he had been sick and wasn't feeling well. I don't remember exactly what all took place in what seemed like just seconds- the next thing I remember is I was behind the wheel of my grandma's Lincoln and we were caravan to the ER in town it was close to 10 something in the morning. (Let me pause and say that my grandpa has had 9 bypass surgeries and survived them all amazingly) By about 6pm that night not only was all of us there but several uncles aunts and cousin had been called in. I spent most my time outside on a bench staring into the darkness, in all the times I had been to the hospital with grandpa I always felt like it was ok to go home, this time was different no one left we ate from the vending machines in he ER waiting room. Somewhere around 9-10pm my Aunt Frieda decided she would go home get clothes and then head to OKC to wait for the medaflight that the Dr.'s felt was needed. I remember the helicopter landing and going inside to see what was going to happen. Their were nurses and Dr.'s everywhere my mom and several relatives were on the phone to other relatives. I see the door to grandpa's er room open and I see people on the freaking table beating on grandpa's chest... The door gets slammed closed and within minutes I am back outside and my uncle Jimmy is next to me attempting to tell me what I already knew had taken place. After 12 hours at the Er we were finally going home along with 20 other relatives that had gathered during the day..  We never really ended up eating a Thanksgiving feast. I think the worst part was none of us cold get a hold of my Aunt Frieda so I had to call her pastor from Rush Springs and ask him and his wife to drive 2 hours to the city to the hospital to try and find her before the Clergy  at the Hospital does. Turns out the made it there in time and they told her together then helped her get back to Grandma's house to see the rest of us.. I think we were all up until the wee hours of the morning in complete shock and sadness. They never could really tell us what happened, he went in with flu like symptoms and 12 hours later he was gone.. ( My other Grandpa Lee passed away just 3 months prior while I was out of town alone at a Church camp) The next Thanksgiving my sister and I begged to skip Thanksgiving but my family insisted that Grandpa would of wanted us to Celebrate. Every year, I  prepare a meal, eat my pie and then say all the things I am thankful for. I have many may blessings i receive each day and many things I am oh so thankful for, but I can't help but wish this day would end. I have a reoccurring nightmare I have around this time of year and it is me stuck in a hospital trying to escapes but all the doors are locked and on the other side is my grandpa on that table with those people banging on his chest.. I love the food, but haven't in 7 years enjoyed the holiday...

I am thankful for Family here and gone, friends near and far, for gifts material and emotional and for life in general!!

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!!

No a turtle neck and jeans wouldn't help!

DISCLAIMER: If you are not mormon you will think I am crazy and have no idea what I am talkign about, but read if you want to!!            

I have mass confusion on the subject matter of what is appropiate clothing and what isn't. Our church is a modest church, but, what is modest to me may not be modest to you and there are only so many specific statements in the doctrine about what the Prophets say is modest and what isn't. We also have our own preceptions on what we consume in our bodies. We all know Beer, and liquor is a no no as well as tea and coffe, but some believe Caffine in general is something that we should not consume. I am not one of those people. I love my caffine!!

So I guess my question is this: What is modest and what isn't? What is ok to consume and what isn't?

Pants that cover your garments, shirts that cover the sleeves of the tops, and cover the neck line. No altering in any way shape or from to fit normal clothing. If it covers my bottoms and hides my tops, I consider it fine to wear. My dresses are past my bottoms and my shirts are always hiding the undergarments well. So does this mean I can't wear skinny jeans or tights? What about a wrap dress that is snug on the waist and bodist? Is this inapporiate?

 I am by far from a rebel, I don't like to be standing out because of the way I dress. I like my personality to cause the spotlight. I don't try to corrupt the youth or stain the primary. I try to speak to everyone I see even those I wish I never saw again. I attend every meeting I am able to and I help out or fill in when ever I am asked. I give 110% in all my callings, I'd even sing if I had the voice. So why in the world would I intend to dress to offend someone. Answer: I wouldn't!

I have my flaws trust me, a few know them! They are far from being an offensive dresser! I stopped wearing slacks to church because many said it wasn't appropriate. Excuse me but aren't slack more modest then a skirt. You do see less skin don't you... I haven't worn a pair of fancy carpi's to church in a year or so. I don't wear button up shirts to avoid the accidental mishap.

So please explain to me why you think that while I am wearing a longer skirt and a shirt that has so much loose fabric I feel like I am being swallowed buy a furry bear you think it is even half appropriate to ask me if I am wearing my garments or not. Please get used to the fact that I am not going anywhere, and I am not break ing any rules, by wearing a dress that fits my figure. You see nothing, I still have a temple recommend. I still can take the sacrament. Speak my name and gasp all you want when I walk in. I have style and I do not intend to loose that because though I am covering my garments I am still not modest or homely enough for you! I will not become a bland molly Mormon. I will be me, I am bright, bold and fashionable! Until I am questioned by the bishop (which even still may not work) I will dress with my closet not yours. You don't like my dress, or my slacks, you send me a check and I will be oh so thrilled to go buy new ones!

 I also have 2 piercings in each ear and wear a cross necklace most of the time.  Most of you didn't even know I have 4 piercings in my ears. Most can't even tell. They are far from flashy, and (in my opinion of course) modest..And yes! I have taken off my garments a few times to wear a fancy dress! This is something I am not hiding, if I was I wouldn't of posted a picture on facebook of me in one of those dresses!!!! So I don't need it pointed out to me over and over again by random people.. And no a turtle neck and jeans will not help hide my personality or inner funk. :) It's untameable

Here's the big kicker though: You can't judge me. though some still will. Posting and displaying my personality is a choice I make, wearing bright colors and makes up is a choice also, Pink slacks and heels once again is a choice I make. Not you


 Leave your comments they are always welcome. I don't plan on getting offended~

Phantom of the Opera!!

"Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and have her nonsense respected." ~ Charles Lamb

Either there was something in that chocolate fountain or we should not be allowed after 8:30 on a Friday Night. Things tend to get a little crazy!!

Amy,
Leah, Haylee, me,
Becky E. Angie, Becky B. Jen
Alesa, Jennifer (in back)

A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked." - Bernard Meltzer

Gosh 10:00 pm hits and people go WILD!

Becky & Becky
The chocolate was REALLY GOOD!

Becky, Jen, Becky
I think this speaks for itself.

Amy was being naughty!! Shame on you Amy

Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty." – Silican proverb

Haylee, Leah, me, and Amy
I had chocolate on my finger..

I told you the Chocolate was GOOD!

Goingin for the Kill

Lisa, Tracy, Alesa, Becky

We were actually behaving at this point

This is us before we got into Heavily into the chocolate

Jen, Angie, Leah, Amy, Haylee
Me (in front)
Becky (peeking over the back)

This is what happens after we got Heavy into the Chocolate

"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, 'What! You too? I thought I was the only one." ~ C.S. Lewis

A difference of preceptions?

When I look at myself I see:

• I'm outgoing, but very shy at times.
•  I love my family and my friends and I would go above and beyond to please and help any of them.
• I say I don't really care about what people think yet find myself constantly trying to be a people pleaser.. I'm always smiling, yet frowning alot.
• I contradict myself constantly. I have little faith in myself, but know other have all the faith in me.. It doesn't help much with my faith in myself..
• I love my religion, I used to think of myself as an unorthodox Mormon, until I really checked into what that means to others. Now I just say I am Mormon with some flaws, I'm working on. Cussing is the biggest. Constant spiritual thought is next.
• I can give the best advice to others but can't seem to follow it myself.
• I give my whole heart to what ever I am doing and whom ever I am doing it with...
• I am 22 with children and a military husband and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. My heart says Teach but my head says business!!
• I talk to several people from Oklahoma, but truly truly hate the place.
• I am a horrible speller and typist
• I make up my own words when I can't think of something to fit my thoughts.
• I write constantly, I hate to read. I have a problem saying yes to people.
• I only have 3 people on my list of (Banned people) and both I wish No harm on but can completely live without there names ever being brought up again.. I hold grudges alot, and I know that's bad, yet I don't know how to completely let go...
• I like my ears and my smile and that's about it.
• I have a lot of health problems I don't like to talk about cause I don't like to go to the Dr. I don't like to answer questions and I hate sympathy..
• I struggle everyday with thinking positive, loving life and cleaning house. 
• I think of myself  as a fun person. My need for acceptance, makes or breaks me sometimes.
•  I miss my grandparents every single day and I can't watch Winnie the Pooh or Wheel of Fortune cause it reminds me of them.. I have a mother who is very sick and has been for 10+ years. I envy my sister relationship with my dad.
•  I miss playing softball every day of my life.
• I have more regrets then I do good memories, as a teenager.  I was a horrible kid and a more difficult teenager.
• I feel inferior at church around the awesome ladies that, have made good choices their whole life. I envy those that have grown up in the gospel and I can't stand it when people take that for granted. Primary is the best part of Sunday meetings. The Spirit the kids carry is the sweetest thing ever... 
• I love am scared, scared of tomorrow, scared or next year, scared of loosing people. Scared of the dark outside(I have good reason trust me), scared of spiders, snakes, holes( example beehives)
• Slugs freak me out.
• I hate the word Fart,
• I honestly someday hope to be a key spouse in any squadron Caylon is in. I want to meet and reach out and organize spouse things, to help encourage, and met other military wives. I want to help them get the proper care during deployments, make sure they are feed when the have babies, or surgeries, or deaths, and welcomed when they are new, weather they came from a different state, basic training, or another squadron on the same base..
• I want to be a president in Primary some day, to share the many ideas and thought I have collected from the 3 wonderful President's I have served with...
• I am horrible with money, budgeting is something I was never taught. Coupons confuse me but I so want to use them.
• I am 22 a wish I was 25, because I get looked at like I have no concept for what being a Adult is when people here my age. Forget that I have 2 kids, live 1000 miles from any family and have been through 3 deployments(more to come) over a dozen TDY's. 3 Moves (1 completely alone) But, yea I have no concept of adult life.
• My biggest pet peeve is when people lie, cheat or just plain ignore me.
• Don't give me an open ended invitation
• I love ice cream, Dutch Chocolate
• I love snow cones,I eat almost anything in chocolate, expect raisins
• I am lover and not a fighter, expect with Caylon :)
• I had a lot of acquaintances in High School, but no close friends. I moved from group to group after I had to quit sports. I floated through school, just trying to get by
• I desperately want to tell people about my past, but fear the way they will react.
• There is not a single person alive that knows everything about me and my life, including my husband.

I carry a smile almost all the time, I hide my feelings until I burst. My close friends can see the pain in my eyes, My best friend can usually fix it.. :)

Special Needs? Seriously?

Okay, so today I was at a lunch, with a group of ladies I didn't know. It was put together to discuss the needs of those around the area with special needs children in the military. I wasn't sure how I got into being invited to this meeting until the very end. (I'll explain) As awkward as it was to be where I knew no one, I went because as a high school, I used to Volunteer with the Special Olympics, I played the sports as a partner(softball, volleyball) I have always been around kids with special needs, weather it be autism, down syndrome, or things like sever brain damage, and Cerebral Palsy. I guess I figured I could listen and think of creative things to do...

As the meeting started there was a presentation on special needs. Now, I expected to hear about autism, down syndrome, and such. I planned on listening to way that we can raise awareness for these diseases. What I didn't expect was to find out there are 3 main categories for defining Special needs: Behavioral, medical, and developmental. Makes since right!!

Continuing in the presentation they went on to give examples of some, A child with Behavioral issues is someone who suffers from Fetal Achocol Spectrum Disorder, and ADHA! This is where I set up in my chair, in shock. Pure Shock...

They went onto describe the ADHA:

AD/HD (Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder) is a neurobiological disorder characterized by developmentally inappropriate impulsivity, attention, and in some cases, hyperactivity beginning in childhood, "typically" by the age of 7. Children with AD/HD often have a 2-4 year developmental delay and frequently have other coexisting conditions. To be diagnosed with AD/HD, individuals must show at least 6 of the characteristics in either or both of the categories below. Symptoms must be more frequent or severe than in other children the same age. Symptoms must be present for at least 6 months.

 Now, some story background. When I was 6 I had a awesome 1st grade teacher and principle, that recommended I be tested(or monitored) for ADHD. They were right in their assumptions, adn I was quickly put on Ritalin, several pills a day. I was also introduced to a family and behavioral councilor. I remember going often, maybe once or more a week. Her name was Vonie! Loved here... My family sometimes had to go to. I remember playing with this huge doll house it was all wooden.. So cool!

There are 3 primary subtypes.

AD/HD predominately inattentive type:

• 
  
  often fails to give close attention to details or makes careless mistakes in schoolwork, work, or other activities
• 
  
  often has difficulty sustaining attention in tasks or play activities
• 
  
  often does not seem to listen when spoken to directly
• 
  
  Often does not follow through on instructions and fails to finish schoolwork, chores, or duties in the workplace (not due to oppositional behaviour or failure to understand instructions)
• 
  
  often has difficulty organising tasks and activities
• 
  
  often avoids, dislikes, or is reluctant to engage in tasks that require sustained mental effort (such as schoolwork or homework).
• 
  
  often loses things necessary for tasks or activities (e.g. toys, school assignments, pencils, books, or tools)
• 
  
  is often easily distracted by extraneous stimuli
• 
  
  is often forgetful in daily activities

AD/HD predominately hyperactive-impulsive type

• 
  
  often fidgets with hands or feet or squirms in seat
• 
  
  often leaves seat in classroom or in other situations in which remaining seated is expected
• 
  
  often runs about or climbs excessively in situations in which it is inappropriate (in adolescents or adults, may be limited to subjective feelings of restlessness)
• 
  
  often has difficulty playing or engaging in leisure activities quietly is often "on the go" or
• 
  
  often acts as if "driven by a motor"
• 
  
  often talks excessively
  

Impulsivity Symptoms .

• 
  
  often blurts out answers before questions have been completed
• 
  
  often has difficulty awaiting turn
• 
  
  often interrupts or intrudes on others (e.g. butts into conversations or games) .

AD/HD combined type Individual meets both sets of inattention and hyperactive/impulsive criteria.  

B. Some hyperactive-impulsive or inattentive symptoms that caused impairment were present before age 7 years. . Some impairment from the symptoms is present in two or more settings (e.g. at school [or work] and at home). There must be clear evidence of clinically significant impairment in social, academic, or occupational functioning.

• 
  
  I was retained into First Grade again with the same amazing teacher and with the medication counseling and teachers family help I was then I suppose you could say somewhat under control. Enough to be in a class room, with out running all over or fidgeting until I feel out of my chair. I was still very angry though...

  
  

  I took Ritalin until I was in the 6 grade I stopped the summer before I started.. I did ok, When I was 15 I went Concerta. It made me feel like my skin was crawling so I wen toff of it and haven't taken anything since.. Sometimes I get embarrassed because I wiggle so much, or blurt things out or interrupt everyone! I do it alot. Watch me in church I can't sit still weather it's my foot tapping or my butt wiggling I am always moving!

  
   There were to thing I got from the presentationand the things I read when I got home.
  
  1. It is class as special needs( I was in gifted and talented, which is why I was so shocked to learn that I could of every well been in the opposite class)
  
  2. That Anxiety is considered to be a common co-existing condition with ADHD.
  
  

  • Some recent studies have shown that one fourth of children with ADHD exhibit some symptoms of an anxiety disorder, while between just five percent and 15 percent of children in the general population are diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. These results would imply a high incident rate of anxiety disorders in children with ADHD.

  Some of the major symptoms of anxiety disorder include:
  

  • Anxious and/or fearful feelings without an apparent cause.
  • Chronic, exaggerated worry.
  • Problems with concentration or distractibility.
  • Insomnia 

  The most common type of anxiety disorder is called Generalized Anxiety Disorder and affects approximately 5 percent of the American population. Phobias are considered to be irrational and overwhelming fears of an object or a situation. Most people will avoid those objects or situations in order to avoid the fear that accompanies it.
  
  
  Okay, so Let me say, that I understand it is a disease that is widely over diagonosed in the world right now. (Autism is taking it over now though). I have friends with children that have I supposed what you would call Several special needs, Such as Down Syndrome, and SI. So to think that I am classed as a special needs adult is confusing.
  
  Though it is hard and some days and times I struggle more then others. Some are infact VERY VERY hard to get through and very frusterating when I find myself not getting anything done because I bounce around to 10 (not exaggerating) different tasks during the day. I can still function pretty well. Yes it makes em a horrible driver cause I see things that catch my attention or the worste I get caught in random useless thoughts while driving and though I may be looking forward hands on the wheel I don't remember getting to wal-mart cause I was thinking about that house I passed then the dress someone wore to church, then what I had for lunch last week cause I ate it with teh chick in teh church dress. This chain of thoughts form adn I go from one point to a completely different one in a matter of seconds.
  
  I still feel almost guilty to be considered special needs. I know there are so many out there that can function like I can though it can be very hard...
  
  I suppose the point off all this was to get out the sheer shock I had in my head when I found out I was classed as a sever ADHA Adult which mean I am classed as A special needs adult.

I was later told I was invited to this meeting because someone mentioned I was diagnosed with ADHA as a a child. So I was an adult with Special Needs there to give insight. =/

The Unorthodox Mormon???

I was searching for some help with my R.S. lesson in 2 weeks and came accrossed a blog I found very intresting, and in many way confusing also. I decided to post it to my blog to see if I could get some feed back. I have at times called and been called an Unorthodox Mormon, but after reading this I am not sure I am as Unorthodox as I had previously thought, nor am I sure I want to be called that.... It got my mind a churning and I find myself agreeing some what with the parts in the blog and the responces people posted to the blog and then completely disagreeing with some things in both also...

You can make your own judgement!

A dear friend of mine recently published an article in the Huffington Post about Mormon Pioneers. In one small line, she summed up something I have been feeling for a long time, especially in the way that I am viewed in the religious world. “As far as I’m concerned, my activity in the Mormon church is irrelevant to my identity as a Mormon.”

People, religious people mostly, like to know where I belong. Saying that I’m an unorthodox Mormon makes no sense to many and tends to upset most of those in my faith who are orthodox. I guess they like to call me ‘lukewarm’ or a ‘fence sitter’. Though I usually run hot and tend to speed walk every where I go. It has been a challenge to realize that while I don’t participate in most of the “church” duties of my religion, I still am happy and proud to be a Mormon.\

 

It’s been an envious realization that most of my friends in other faiths have the option of the level of activity in their faith. Yet, they also have no qualms in actually claiming that faith–even if they haven’t been to church in five years. Most of my Jewish friends are unorthodox and that is just fine. Their roots, their identity, is still solid in Judaism, without them having to wear a prayer shawl. And they don’t have a fear of ever being kicked out of the Jewish faith. Once a Jew, always a Jew. This goes for most of my Catholic friends as well. They attend church twice a year, use birth control, live with someone before they marry them (if they ever marry), and the like. Most people my age do many things not authorized in their religion. However, never, but never, would they ever say they were not Catholic. It’s their foundation. It’s who they are.

 

It’s a little different if you are a Mormon. You don’t really hold that power. If you do not qualify to attend the temple, you do not pay tithing, you like the occasional glass of red wine, you live with your boyfriend, and you are a little too outspoken about Prop 8. Well, then, they could very well just give you the boot and tell you that you are no longer one of them. I find this simply unfathomable. I find it crazy that some panel of men could look at me and say, “You are no longer one of us.”

I’ve jokingly said, in a few passing conversations, that I’m trying to create a world where orthodox and unorthodox Mormons can all just get along. But why does it always sound like a funny joke when I say it? The terms that we tend to use are ‘active’ and ‘inactive’ (and the middle ground of ‘less active’). I do not subscribe to these terms and I do not appreciate all the stereotypes that come to mind from a simple label. I actually wish we didn’t have to be as obsessed by levels of activity in the religion as we typically tend to be. My level of activity still comes up at every single family event and it has been over three years now. Every time you meet with a Bishop–he questions you more on your sexual thoughts than on your actual passions and intents for your life’s path. He wants to know your “worthiness”…and yet, what does that word even mean in this context?

Many many things on my path do not subscribe to orthodox Mormonism. Yet, my very foundation of being raised Mormon is something I love, cherish, honor, and would never want stripped away. It’s at the core of who I am and it’s at the core of who I am becoming. The fact that I did not grow up to become an orthodox Mormon is not something that should be pitied or changed or solved or discussed or worried about or prayed over or be the reason for my parents to fast. The truth is, I AM a Mormon.

But, I am an unorthodox Mormon. I do things my own way. I will not apologize if I do not fit in the box that you need me to fit in. I will be me. Sounds simple…but it took me a long time to get here and I don’t take that simplicity lightly.

Craig says:


Great post Stella. This brings up a lot of thoughts in me – many of which are confusing and difficult to parse.
I don’t call myself a Mormon because I don’t believe in anything the church teaches and I’m not a member of the church. I despise authoritarianism, censorship, homophobia, sexism, dogmas, doctrines, and hierarchies. I’m a gay atheist feminist communist. I am completely not Mormon.And yet, I am definitely Mormon. My family is super-orthodox. I was raised super-orthodox. I went on a mission and attended BYU for 4 years. My entire life is and will be irrevocably influenced by Mormonism. I no longer know how to navigate between these, nor how to express this. Am I Mormon? Definitely no. Also, definitely yes.
I’ve not identified as Mormon since I resigned my membership in the church. Recently I’ve started re-examining what Mormonism means to me, and have realised that I’m not as “Not a Mormon” as I thought I was. And yet I do still feel very uneasy about identifying as a Mormon because of the assumptions that go along with that word. I’m probably just as unorthodox as Stella, but I think I feel less Mormon. Or at least, I’m less willing to completely embrace that part of my identity. A major part of the issue is that I feel very little positive coming from Mormonism – both from my own Mormon upbringing, and from the external Mormonism that affects my life (and my rights) in very negative ways. For several years I have sought to distance myself from Mormonism; to cut all ties with it. I’m beginning to see that that isn’t possible, as most of my family is in the church, and there’s no undoing 23 years of indoctrination and culture. Perhaps I need to not worry about labels (boxes) so much and just be myself. For someone like myself who has such compulsion to organise everything into neat categories, it’s not been easy.



Stella says:


Andrew S.  Thank you for your time and your comment. This navigation through Mormonism–as you know–always has a bit of laughter, a bit of agreement, and a bit of vehemence.
Craig,
I agree. So many times I ask myself–well how can I be a feminist AND a Mormon? How can I be such and such AND Mormon? There is NO answer. In all honesty, there is no way to make those two things REALLY go together–as much as I wish there were. All of those things you despise, I despise as much–and I openly despise them. I’ve been trying to make restitution to all the parts of me until everything within me is harmonious and happy.
Then I think–aw, screw it.


LuluBelle says:


Thanks for the post. I totally agree with it. I am totally Mormon. I go to church most Sundays, the missionaries are welcomed in my home (and are there often), my kids were baptized Morgan and go to church, I even give the occasional talk and Relief Society lesson, and hold a “smaller” calling. That said, I don’t do visiting teaching, the tithing I pay goes straight to the humanitarian aid fund, I drink coffee almost daily (but adhere to the WoW than most strict Mormon’s in that I eat really healthy and exercise and maintain a healthy weight and have great blood pressure and cholesterol levels), a few times a year I’ll indulge in a glass of wine, and I only marginally attend extra curricular church activities. I often skip out on at least one meeting per Sunday to take a butt break. I believe in some of the doctrine but not a lot of it… I am a semi-feminist and anti Prop 8. I despise forced gender roles. But I am Mormon on my terms and I hope that the church can embrace even someone like me. Once a missionary asked me why I still belonged to the church, which caught me off guard. I am because I am– because I want to. And just ‘cuz I don’t follow every bit of Mormonism in the strictest sense, does that mean I can (or shouldn’t) be Mormon? I, too, find it unfathonable that a group of men could call me into a church court of love and revoke my membership. I hope it doesn’t happen but the thought it wholly unsettling.

There are several more responces if you want to really go read them all...

http://www.the-exponent.com/2010/07/29/the-unorthodox-mormon/comment-page-1/

That's what happens when...............

That's what happens when I don't medicate... no really, I don't medicate that may be the problem. :)




I never dreamed that out of all my posting this would become the most read, maybe the most offensive. This wasn't intended to get sympathy from anyone (maybe my hubby haha), not praise although it is nice. Not even to make people feel bad. This blog was intended to clear my heart and my head of the things that had been bothering me for the last few months...



I was advised by an wise (I won't say old) Owl. that though this is MY blog posting my dirty laundry isn't the best thing. That owl is right, and for this I am sorry. I tend to write, I wrote poems and long drug out stories in high school to clear my head and now I don't get to do that to much. When I am happy and content I don't have the inspiring material, I'm more of a twisted writer. I suppose turning back to poems and stories in private would be a much more Adult way of handling the childish feelings burning inside me.



To those who responded whether it be out of anger, whether you felt the need to apologize (which you didn't need to, but it was appreciated) and those who responded with just a gentle I love you girl. I appreciate all of the responses, whether it was by phone, e-mail, text message or face book. This has definitely gotten more responses then the 3 now 5 followers I thought it would...



I apologize for speaking my mind and wearing my emotions on my seleve, I always got in trouble for that as a teenager and I suppose it's not to good as an adult either...



The prideful part of me wants to avoid all those who have read this blog, fear of sympathy, fear of dirty looks, or disappointment for not speaking as that cute, sweet Sam so many think I am..



I apologize, can promise that I will have bells on the next time I am seen by anyone in public. I will be that sweet cute Sam once again. Even if at first it may be somewhat faked, I promise in time it will be REAL once again.





Again I am sorry to any of those that read my blog, I promise the posts will no longer be me venting about myself, but I can't promise they won't be about the military, my children, my friends and family, or just a random thing I saw..

Smiling is contagious,

you catch it like the flu,

When someone smiled at

me today, I started smiling too.

I passed around the corner,

and someone saw my grin -

When he smiled I

realized, I'd passed it on to him.

I thought about that smile,

then I realized its worth,

A single smile, just like mine,

could travel round the earth.

So, if you feel a smile begin,

don't leave it undetected -

Let's start an epidemic quick

and get the world infected ! ! !

Speachless

I feel like my heart is broken in peices!!!



This morning at 12:50 a very good friend of mine gave birth to her daughter. The speachless part is that the baby was due in November and sadlywas taken to live with Heavenly father sometime in the last few days. The thought of what she went through makes me cry. She had to deliver the child just like any other and is no planning a funeral for her on Monday. I'm so far away and feel so helpless to her. I just cry everytime I think about it. My heart feels broken and it isn't even my child, she wouldn't of even been a niece. Just a child I would of been blessed to know. I got the call and didn't know what to say, I just kept appoligizing like it was my fault or something, like Saying I'm so Sorry would make all the pain go away.. Why is it that we instantly appoligize when something tragic happens to those arounds us. It doesn't fix anything, it doesn't improve the suitation, and it's just 1 of the 100 times they will hear it from not only friends and family but stangers who will hear their story years to come from now. Still not fixing or changing anything that has happened in the last few days. So why is it the only thing I could muster up besides I love you. Why is it the only thing I can bring myself to put on a card to mail to my best friend at this diffucult time . Will "I'm sorry I love you " really help her, I can'tchange the outcome, I can't hold her hand and cry with her. I can just look at my babies and try to imagine a small bit of what she is going through.  Not even a small bit, I can think all I want but I can never imagine the pain she feels. She is so blessed , 2 awesome kids and a wonderful hubby not to mention the rest of her family. I thought of a magnet my mom gave me when I was 17 and going through somethings,  It's the best thing I have come up with so far other then I love you to fit the sutation...

I Prayed For You Today

I know it seems you're all alone

no one to really care

with such a heavy burden

that you alone must bear

I may not know just what to say

nor exactly what to do

But may you be assured to know

I'm praying just for you

So even though it seems

that many storm clouds fill your day

I know the Lord has heard our prayer and help is on the way!!

 I'm not sure what else to say, other then I love you Leah and your beautifu family. I'm always hear for you though I'm far away!!!

Dani Monique 12:50am July 16, 2010

Acceptance

Is there so such thing?

I Can Love You Like That

Fifty Seven years ago yesterday {July 12} William Neil Lee and Lovie Kaye Loveless {my grandparents} were married. In 2003 My grandpa (Neil lost his battle with lung cancer, {he faught long and hard.) While she sat by his bed she told the love of her life goodbye for now. :)

  This July (2010)  my grandma (Kaye)and my aunt went on a trip to Oregan and they stopped by Willamette University (where Neil attend College) she visited the rose garden there on campus. Their she found a pink rose bush that had both of their names on it. As she looked underneath there was a plaque that says, "for the love and support of my... wife, L Kaye Lee He had passed away before he could tell her about this wonderful gesture of love..He couldn't be with her this year for their anniversary, but his love came through a single beautiful rose bush in a rose garden in Oregan. ."

They were truly in love when they were separated on June 12, 2003 and I know that one day they will be together again and even more in love with each other!

This post I decidate to my wonderful grandparents who were the perfect example of loving whole heartedly until death do they part an then further on!!

William Neil Lee (June 12, 2003)

Just another Sunday

Well, tomorrow is Sunday once again and I can't help but fell excited about it. I love getting up and going to church. I've had some serious struggles with it the last few months though. I've been forcing myself to go with bells on for about 6 months now. I love the people {well, most of them} and I love the word {all of it word for word}, I love the music {Amy rocks my socks off with her selections and special music} and the talks are always my favorite part. Like most I am sure I have my favorite speakers, {I know I am a favorite of most, I mean come on it's me, who doesn't enjoy listening to me speak he he}. These things continue to make me happy to be there, I have just reached a spiritual growth road block. I am weeks away from hitting a milestone in my calling (Primary Secretary) and I can't help but have mixed emotions about it. I love working with the kids (though it is a very small amount of time) I love my teachers and Presidency members. I see the love each of them have for the children in our Primary and each other. I've seen countless teachers come and go and come again in my time in Primary, seven Councilors and I am now on my third President, all while I truck along compiling rolls, birthday lists, newsletters (my baby) and calendars for everyone to keep track off. I can recite almost every teacher's birthday and phone number, along with how many kids are in each class and which are active and inactive not to mention most of the kids birthdays. Let's face it I am GOOD at what I do, but that is because I loved what I do.

Yes! I know I used past tense... I said loved....

I still Love to make the newsletter, I still adore the children and the teachers/presidency members. I have just become stuck. I don't know maybe I am stuck in my own head, or maybe I am just suck spiritually. Either way I feel stuck. I feel like I have a job as opposed to how I felt when I first got my calling {Like I had a purpose, I was excited to knock on doors and make copies} now I feel like I should work at Kinko's. :( It may be a rut but it is a rut I have been stuck in for about 6 months and I find myself wishing more and more for a SPIRITUAL Challenge. For interaction with the new people in the ward, for a spiritual discussion not a discussion about who is in the bathroom helping the sunbeam boys! Though enlightening it no longer full fills me the way it did.



I have been searching magazines and scriptures for guidance and I found this....

No calling is beneath us. Every calling provides an opportunity to serve and to grow. The Lord organized the Church in a way that offers each member an opportunity for service, which, in turn, leads to personal spiritual growth. Whatever your calling, I urge you to see it as an opportunity not only to strengthen and bless others but also to become what Heavenly Father wants you to become.

The person who called you did not issue the call simply because he learned by interviewing you that you were worthy and willing to serve. He prayed to know the Lord’s will for you. It was prayer and revelation to those authorized of the Lord which brought you here. Your call is an example of a source of power unique to the Lord’s Church. Men and women are called of God by prophecy and by the laying on of hands by those God has authorized.

You are called to represent the Savior. Your voice to testify becomes the same as His voice, your hands to lift the same as His hands. His work is to bless His Father’s spirit children with the opportunity to choose eternal life. So, your calling is to bless lives. That will be true even in the most ordinary tasks you are assigned and in moments when you might be doing something not apparently connected to your call. Just the way you smile or the way you offer to help someone can build their faith. And should you forget who you are, just the way you speak and the way you behave can destroy faith.

That being said, I am struggling trying to keep from losing my smile, trying to concentrate as much as I can to prepare the newsletter, the calendars and smile and small mistakes. I know it is Primary, and simple mistakes on the Sunday Agenda aren't going to get someone hurt, but I didn't use to make a mistake, I used to spend about 15 hours going over a newsletter and now I am lucky if I spend 3-5 thought he week. Not because I don't have the time, but because I don't have the drive to do it. I create that newsletter so I love it, but I have kind of gotten to the point it is so monotonous.


I sit in the hallway waiting and hoping someone needs something even if it is crayons from the closet.


ohhhhhh, okay enough round and round, I have just been dealing with the eternal conflict between wanting to be someone who strives to fulfill her calling to my full potential and capability, and someone who gets bored beyond belief while listening to nothing in the hallway. I feel guilty for feeling this way. I feel bad, like I am hurting the kids, or the teachers or my fellow presidency members by sitting in the hallway bored and counting down the minutes until I have to know on the doors so I can get up and do something to help someone.

Night all, I will continue to pray and ponder the conflict, I just want to feel at peace whether it is staying in this calling or saying goodbye to a huge chapter in my life and moving on to something else. This calling has helped me grow more than I ever thought it could or would. I don't know if I would have made it to the Temple when I did if it wasn't for this calling and the things I have learned from the children and their teachers and my own scripture study that the kids challenged me to do...