A difference of preceptions?

When I look at myself I see:

• I'm outgoing, but very shy at times.
•  I love my family and my friends and I would go above and beyond to please and help any of them.
• I say I don't really care about what people think yet find myself constantly trying to be a people pleaser.. I'm always smiling, yet frowning alot.
• I contradict myself constantly. I have little faith in myself, but know other have all the faith in me.. It doesn't help much with my faith in myself..
• I love my religion, I used to think of myself as an unorthodox Mormon, until I really checked into what that means to others. Now I just say I am Mormon with some flaws, I'm working on. Cussing is the biggest. Constant spiritual thought is next.
• I can give the best advice to others but can't seem to follow it myself.
• I give my whole heart to what ever I am doing and whom ever I am doing it with...
• I am 22 with children and a military husband and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. My heart says Teach but my head says business!!
• I talk to several people from Oklahoma, but truly truly hate the place.
• I am a horrible speller and typist
• I make up my own words when I can't think of something to fit my thoughts.
• I write constantly, I hate to read. I have a problem saying yes to people.
• I only have 3 people on my list of (Banned people) and both I wish No harm on but can completely live without there names ever being brought up again.. I hold grudges alot, and I know that's bad, yet I don't know how to completely let go...
• I like my ears and my smile and that's about it.
• I have a lot of health problems I don't like to talk about cause I don't like to go to the Dr. I don't like to answer questions and I hate sympathy..
• I struggle everyday with thinking positive, loving life and cleaning house. 
• I think of myself  as a fun person. My need for acceptance, makes or breaks me sometimes.
•  I miss my grandparents every single day and I can't watch Winnie the Pooh or Wheel of Fortune cause it reminds me of them.. I have a mother who is very sick and has been for 10+ years. I envy my sister relationship with my dad.
•  I miss playing softball every day of my life.
• I have more regrets then I do good memories, as a teenager.  I was a horrible kid and a more difficult teenager.
• I feel inferior at church around the awesome ladies that, have made good choices their whole life. I envy those that have grown up in the gospel and I can't stand it when people take that for granted. Primary is the best part of Sunday meetings. The Spirit the kids carry is the sweetest thing ever... 
• I love am scared, scared of tomorrow, scared or next year, scared of loosing people. Scared of the dark outside(I have good reason trust me), scared of spiders, snakes, holes( example beehives)
• Slugs freak me out.
• I hate the word Fart,
• I honestly someday hope to be a key spouse in any squadron Caylon is in. I want to meet and reach out and organize spouse things, to help encourage, and met other military wives. I want to help them get the proper care during deployments, make sure they are feed when the have babies, or surgeries, or deaths, and welcomed when they are new, weather they came from a different state, basic training, or another squadron on the same base..
• I want to be a president in Primary some day, to share the many ideas and thought I have collected from the 3 wonderful President's I have served with...
• I am horrible with money, budgeting is something I was never taught. Coupons confuse me but I so want to use them.
• I am 22 a wish I was 25, because I get looked at like I have no concept for what being a Adult is when people here my age. Forget that I have 2 kids, live 1000 miles from any family and have been through 3 deployments(more to come) over a dozen TDY's. 3 Moves (1 completely alone) But, yea I have no concept of adult life.
• My biggest pet peeve is when people lie, cheat or just plain ignore me.
• Don't give me an open ended invitation
• I love ice cream, Dutch Chocolate
• I love snow cones,I eat almost anything in chocolate, expect raisins
• I am lover and not a fighter, expect with Caylon :)
• I had a lot of acquaintances in High School, but no close friends. I moved from group to group after I had to quit sports. I floated through school, just trying to get by
• I desperately want to tell people about my past, but fear the way they will react.
• There is not a single person alive that knows everything about me and my life, including my husband.

I carry a smile almost all the time, I hide my feelings until I burst. My close friends can see the pain in my eyes, My best friend can usually fix it.. :)