Just another Sunday

Well, tomorrow is Sunday once again and I can't help but fell excited about it. I love getting up and going to church. I've had some serious struggles with it the last few months though. I've been forcing myself to go with bells on for about 6 months now. I love the people {well, most of them} and I love the word {all of it word for word}, I love the music {Amy rocks my socks off with her selections and special music} and the talks are always my favorite part. Like most I am sure I have my favorite speakers, {I know I am a favorite of most, I mean come on it's me, who doesn't enjoy listening to me speak he he}. These things continue to make me happy to be there, I have just reached a spiritual growth road block. I am weeks away from hitting a milestone in my calling (Primary Secretary) and I can't help but have mixed emotions about it. I love working with the kids (though it is a very small amount of time) I love my teachers and Presidency members. I see the love each of them have for the children in our Primary and each other. I've seen countless teachers come and go and come again in my time in Primary, seven Councilors and I am now on my third President, all while I truck along compiling rolls, birthday lists, newsletters (my baby) and calendars for everyone to keep track off. I can recite almost every teacher's birthday and phone number, along with how many kids are in each class and which are active and inactive not to mention most of the kids birthdays. Let's face it I am GOOD at what I do, but that is because I loved what I do.

Yes! I know I used past tense... I said loved....

I still Love to make the newsletter, I still adore the children and the teachers/presidency members. I have just become stuck. I don't know maybe I am stuck in my own head, or maybe I am just suck spiritually. Either way I feel stuck. I feel like I have a job as opposed to how I felt when I first got my calling {Like I had a purpose, I was excited to knock on doors and make copies} now I feel like I should work at Kinko's. :( It may be a rut but it is a rut I have been stuck in for about 6 months and I find myself wishing more and more for a SPIRITUAL Challenge. For interaction with the new people in the ward, for a spiritual discussion not a discussion about who is in the bathroom helping the sunbeam boys! Though enlightening it no longer full fills me the way it did.



I have been searching magazines and scriptures for guidance and I found this....

No calling is beneath us. Every calling provides an opportunity to serve and to grow. The Lord organized the Church in a way that offers each member an opportunity for service, which, in turn, leads to personal spiritual growth. Whatever your calling, I urge you to see it as an opportunity not only to strengthen and bless others but also to become what Heavenly Father wants you to become.

The person who called you did not issue the call simply because he learned by interviewing you that you were worthy and willing to serve. He prayed to know the Lord’s will for you. It was prayer and revelation to those authorized of the Lord which brought you here. Your call is an example of a source of power unique to the Lord’s Church. Men and women are called of God by prophecy and by the laying on of hands by those God has authorized.

You are called to represent the Savior. Your voice to testify becomes the same as His voice, your hands to lift the same as His hands. His work is to bless His Father’s spirit children with the opportunity to choose eternal life. So, your calling is to bless lives. That will be true even in the most ordinary tasks you are assigned and in moments when you might be doing something not apparently connected to your call. Just the way you smile or the way you offer to help someone can build their faith. And should you forget who you are, just the way you speak and the way you behave can destroy faith.

That being said, I am struggling trying to keep from losing my smile, trying to concentrate as much as I can to prepare the newsletter, the calendars and smile and small mistakes. I know it is Primary, and simple mistakes on the Sunday Agenda aren't going to get someone hurt, but I didn't use to make a mistake, I used to spend about 15 hours going over a newsletter and now I am lucky if I spend 3-5 thought he week. Not because I don't have the time, but because I don't have the drive to do it. I create that newsletter so I love it, but I have kind of gotten to the point it is so monotonous.


I sit in the hallway waiting and hoping someone needs something even if it is crayons from the closet.


ohhhhhh, okay enough round and round, I have just been dealing with the eternal conflict between wanting to be someone who strives to fulfill her calling to my full potential and capability, and someone who gets bored beyond belief while listening to nothing in the hallway. I feel guilty for feeling this way. I feel bad, like I am hurting the kids, or the teachers or my fellow presidency members by sitting in the hallway bored and counting down the minutes until I have to know on the doors so I can get up and do something to help someone.

Night all, I will continue to pray and ponder the conflict, I just want to feel at peace whether it is staying in this calling or saying goodbye to a huge chapter in my life and moving on to something else. This calling has helped me grow more than I ever thought it could or would. I don't know if I would have made it to the Temple when I did if it wasn't for this calling and the things I have learned from the children and their teachers and my own scripture study that the kids challenged me to do...