Reflection

I have been told I would be good at writing a blog, but I never know what to write so I go years inbetween my posts. It's been a little over two years since my last post and I remember complaining about being in a funk. I posted a forum post from a class I was currently in. It was two years ago this week that I made that post, ironically that was two years to the day after I began college. So here we are four years from day 1 and I have 5 classes left.

         [To recap I got my GED at 17 because I was marrying my husband and was pregnant with our daughter. He was movign to GA with the AF and I wanted to follow. So no graduation, no ceremony, no cap and gown. I just got a letter in the mail with my name and the state of Oklahoma on it].

A few weeks ago I had a friend give me her cap and gown from UoP that she walked in the year prior. I glady took it to save money and put it in the closet. I noticed the cap had fallen on the floow yesterday and decided to get the gown and cords down to put on with the cap. I walked into the kitchen to show my husband who giggled and said I looked hott. [Like every other husband would]. What he didn't notice initally was the tears gently running down my face. I loked up and said with a big smile "I have never worn one of these". He wasn't following his reply was "ya I know a college gown is a big deal". It took about 10 seconds after noticing my tear to realize this was more than a *college* gown, this was my FIRST gown period. This black gown and cap is a HUGE thing for me. Have I officially graduated no, have I gotten to apply for graduation yet no, but I have a great GPA 3 psy classes left and 2 random 100 level filler classes..

I am going to graduate this summer I will have my last day of class August 13 and I will have a real degree, not one I took a test for and got sent in the mail, one I spent 4 1/2 years working my tail off for. Finally I can walk across the stage infront of my family back in Oklahoma and be proud of myself. This whole journey I blamed wanting to walk to make my parents proud, but here at the end I can admit that I am doing this because I felt like such a failure getting a GED. This is a redemption for me and it is completely personal to me.

Ugh a motivation class :(

This question was posted towards me in a class I'm currently taking. I have been in a funk and I suppose it takes a stranger to point that out.


Hi Samantha,

Thank you for sharing with us. Have you ever read The Death of Ivan Ilich Novella by Leo Tolstoy? Some of your words reminded me him of him.

What will it take for you to be happy doing what you are doing such as working on earning degrees? You say you hate school so I'm wondering why would someone be willingly unhappy doing what they hate instead of pursuing what they truly treasure and love doing. You also mentioned that you push yourself, this push you mentioned is the kind of push as in forcing yourself to achieve school per se? Or is there an underlying "push " that acts as your internal biological or psychological source of motivation?

I don't read much. Really I don't read at all. I don't enjoy it nor have time to really put into it. I am a busy body sitting and reading isn't something I enjoy. I don't like to be still. You asked what it would take for em to be happy doing what I'm doing working on my degree. It will take me being done to be happy. My degree is a stepping stone one I cannot avoid and must have to reach my ultimate goal. So here I am taking one class (stone) at a time working towards my next degree. I despise school, I go for the reason so many others go. I need it to do what I love.  You seem to think I am not pursuing what I truly treasure and love, that's not it at all. I am very much going after what I love it just requires extreme amounts of school to get there. That by no means says I have to enjoy the process of getting there. You asked about my push as well. I suppose there is two plain reasons I go through school. The first isn't very personal at all, it is quite simple actually. I want to be a therapist, and I know I will make a dang good one. The second reason for the push is quite personal and something I don't openly admit but it's an on line class so why no....  I push for my degree because I haven't earned one like everyone else does. I didn't graduate high school with my friends, I got married my junior year moved half way across the country and had a baby. To make this happen I went and dropped out of high school January of my junior year to apply to take the G.E.D. test. I was told by teachers that had known me since childhood, friends, and even family members that this was an awful idea and I would not pass because the test was just to plain hard. (mind you I had a 4.0 GPA in advanced classes, I was by no means an academic slacker). I took the test and waited like many of my senior class friends for a big letter in the mail but mine wasn't for college it was for my diploma. I ended up not only passing my first try I blew the state required scores out of the water, but it made no difference to those who had doubt I was still making a big mistake. I've carried their doubt for 10 years and I've let it play in the back of my mind. I didn't go to college initially because I didn't know what my calling in life was going to be (other than wife an mom of three). Two years ago this month I applied to college and started this process, knowing finally what I wanted to do and knowing that it not only took my Bachelors degree but my Master's as well. I'm not a dumb kid but it is hard to completely let go of the hurt that built when friend's and family let go of their faith in you. I go so that my G.E.D doesn't define me. I go so someday my parents can actually watch me walk across a stage for a degree and my kids can see that my mistakes as a teen pushed me to my achievements as an adult. I also know all of this past and present will help me in my career as well. Do I like school no, do I have a bad taste in my mouth about school in general yes and yes I am very aware that I let myself slip into the past at times. This is one of those times, this time a year I get in a funk and for some unforeseen reason right in the middle of my unmotivated funk I end up taking a class on MOTIVATION. Now if that isn't meant to be. :)

What is WRONG with you!

I find it very humiliating. I find myself left depressed and discouraged. I'm incredibly saddened and very irritated at the same time. What the HECK is WRONG with you..

I have two wonderful stories to share and then I will explain why they are humiliating, depressing, aggravating, and very discouraging to me.

        Story 1

     Back in October my family and I went on a week vacation to the Georgia mountains. We were driving back from a day trip to Helen and coming down a two lane fairly step mountain road when we see a tan can pulled as far off the road as possible. My hubby turns to me and says, "We need to go back". Now you need to know that we had been gone 8 hours, I was car sick and the youngest was screaming her head off, but I knew he was right. We did need to go back. So we did just that. Once we pulled up behind the car, we found a man in his early 70's bent over looking under his car at his tire which had completely blown. He was trying to see how he could jack the car up. 

            We climbed out from the car leaving the kids inside until we found out what was happening. When we approached he seemed a bit worried at first. I told him we passed by and thought he could use some help so we came back. *making a u-turn on a mountain is not simple by the way* . He seemed to relax a bit when I told him we wanted to help and that I had a jack in the back of my Honda. I went to get it for him and my hubby began to lift up his car. The entire process took a bit over and hour and while we were waiting he began to talk to us. He was married for 40+ years and had a few kids and grand kids. He went to law school but then left his job and went into construction and owned many apartments building in Atlanta. He was retired from actually working on buildings himself but he had a lad of wood in the back of his car that he planned on building a water windmill with. He was so nice and friendly. He shared many stories about his wonderful wife and about how he didn't know how he was going to make it home on the blown tire because he knew he couldn't change it himself. He called us a blessing and asked to go see our kids. 

           When we got done and loaded everything back up we told him we would follow him to the nearest station to put air in his spare that was flat but at least not blown like his other tire. When we got to the gas station he tried to offer us money for helping him and said his wife would be so grateful. I said no so he went to my husband and when he said no he finally agreed and just shook our hands. Half-way back down the road we hear our kids fighting and when I finally turn around to see why our son had money in his hand. He tells us that grandpa man gave it to him for being good while his mommy and daddy helped fix his car.. Stinky old man slipped us some money anyway. :) 

Story 2

         Today I was pushing my cart up to a lane at Wal-Mart to check out. My hubby had the toddler and I got inline behind a woman about 60? she turned to me with an angry look and says " My gosh she is just going as slow as possible" she then storms off into another lane. I have no idea what her issue is and honestly this is Wal-Mart I figured it was a slow cashier. When I move my cart up I see a elderly woman in one of those electric carts. She is leaning forward trying her best to get her items upon the counter to check out. I couldn't help but to get angry. Not at the woman in front of me loading her groceries, but at the lady who stormed off angry. I told my hubby to take the cart and I walked up behind the woman. I couldn't help but ask her if she would like some help. She was so grateful and kept thanking me. I put all her groceries up and then began loading bags when I realized she had way to many bags to fit back in that tiny basket on her cart. At this point my hubby has figured out what is happening and he catches my attention saying he will be right back. He returns with a regular cart and tells the woman that he would like to help her load her groceries into her car when I get done loading them in this basket for him to push out. We took about 20 minutes to get her all checked out (I have no idea how all those items fit in her cart to begin with those top baskets on there are very small)

              I took our toddler after she paid and my hubby walked her out. I finished checking our items out and headed outside. She was of course parked in the very front because of the handicap she had. So I walked up to them and asked to help load items. She was so funny, she kept telling him to be gentle and asking him to place certain things in her floorboard and in her seats. She just kept thanking us and turned to me saying " You are a blessed lady with such a sweet hubby". I agreed with her and then hubby responds "I'm only sweet because my wife is so kind" She tells us she knows how special that is after being married 43 years to her belated husband. She continued on to tell us she wished he was still here to see their grandchildren because they are so much fun and are about the same age as our toddler. 

               After I loaded our items in the car I walked back to them and told them I would take the regular cart and my hubby would take back the electric cart so she wouldn't have to. She then tries to give us money. We both tell her no we don't want her money and she tells us the good Lord blesses those who help others and she feels blessed and in return wants to bless us. I finally take her money and we get in our car. We make it up the corner and drive back down the lane and my hubby looks at me and says, "I'm running this money back to her we don't need it". I agree and he pulls the car behind her so she cannot back out. He knocks on her window and tells her we just can't expect her cash. She asked if she offended us and he explains it is not That his wife and him were raised to help others for no other reason then them needing help. She tanks him again and says. "God Bless you little family".

So here is my problem with these stories.

#1 Many people drove past the old man on the road and never thought twice to help him.

#2 That extremely rude lady angry that this woman was taking to long and not offering to help her to make things go faster.

#3 That they both offered us cash.

              This is a huge problem for me..............

1. when did people stop respecting their elders?
2. when did people stop helping people?
3. Why is money always the answer, 
• when you help someone you shouldn't need a numeric payment. Help people

This is humiliating and not to just me but to the ENTIRE Country... When did we become a country so focused on money that you can't do something without putting  a price on it. We SHOULD BE ASHAMED!!!!

The saddening part is how worried that old man was when we pulled up, like he thought we had bad intentions....... WOW!!

The depressing part was how shocked both the man and woman along with the cashier *who thanked me for helping* was that we offered to help and were nice about it......... {nice seriously we were thanked for being nice}

The irritating part is that both those people needed help getting all the way home but because of how the world is now we couldn't offer to follow them home to help because people don't do that anymore due to safety. 

 I look around today angry at the parents of the world for letting go the moral and standards this country once had. I can't fix the country but I can promise my children WILL be those people who offer help with NO expectations and who will look at that older man or woman and see their grandma and grandpa and maybe even someday their father and I...

All I can hope is that with prayer and knowledge more parents out there get irritated and depressed like I am and decide to make a change and do something about it.

          

OCD, ADHA, PTSD, STD, ABCD What the ****??

I know I haven't blogged in a VERY VERY long time. Maybe it is because I now have three kids and I am EXTREMELY outnumbered, maybe it is because I built a house and moved this spring and summer and had zero time but I'd put money on the fact that I didn't have much to say. (Well I always have something to say but nothing worth hearing)

Let's start at the beginning.  

I've gone through a mini grieving process  the last year. Yep all five steps.. Here's a nutshell overview.
First there was: 

Denial- I knew something was wrong in the back of my mind. Something that had slowly become off. I didn't know exactly what it was but, I slowly felt her slipping away. She was becoming more distant and more alone. Yet, I kept telling myself it was fine.. This went on for months yet I kept pushing the thought off. Military wives have no time to have a problem. We hold the roof up and everything piled on top of it.

Anger- She was always angry and she stopped caring about almost everything. She kept saying everything was normal.. Crawling out of bed mad became a normal thing. What began as a once in a while mood turned into a daily thing.

Bargaining- Soon I began to reason that it was just from being tired or stressed yet, when even when getting enough sleep or taking enough things off of the plate things didn't go back to normal. 

Depression- The more things headed for the "fog" the more I began to realize things were off. I knew something was wrong and needed to be fixed but I couldn't bring myself to accept it yet. It made things even worse. The more I noticed the problems the more I got depressed about the problems, which in turn became another problem.

Acceptance- I finally accepted I was heading for a very bad destructive path and that I needed help. Yes! I was talking about me this entire time and things were NOT okay anymore.

         In the spring of 2012, I finally found myself standing in the living room just completely consumed by the world and not knowing how I was supposed to breath. I was handling normal military wife and mom things. Packing a house to move into a house we were building that was running into problems created by mother nature, military finance messing up money and not on a small scale. School for the kids, coaching baseball, hubby in school, helping to plan a wedding shower and wedding for my sister while making invites for both and taking on my roles in the church (Teaching the woman's Relief Society class). Why would I possibly not be okay this was my norm... I wish I could pinpoint the day or thing that finally caused me to be standing their alone in the living room suffocating on the hot air around me, but I can't. All I remember is looking around at piles and piles of boxes, invitations, sports equipment and kids toys and feeling like my chest was caving in on me. (Now, I have always know I have ADHA. I was told at age six and medicated for years and did some therapy until I was ten. Anyone who spends a decent minute with me will not be surprised by that diagnoses.) As I slowly lowered myself onto the floor I kept thinking I CAN NOT keep doing this. I knew I wasn't having a heart attack but I also knew I can't have another one of these( latter diagnosed) anxiety attacks.

        A few days later after finally getting my courage up I made a phone call. I had the biggest knot in my stomach but I schedule an appointment with a Dr. in Psychiatry. Bad news there was no appointment for 2 months. *UGH* Two months later I went in and came out. I had a paper of stuff and a few prescriptions in had. Now here we are over seven months later and I am to a point where I can say Normal is coming back, wait NO normal is in the past I can feel myself heading for something better than normal. 

     So here is the deal. I see my Psychiatry dr once a month to still work out medication kinks and then I see a Psychiatrist every week because I am still not completely okay. I have been seeing the Psychiatrist for almost 5 months now on a weekly basis and there is much to cover since I haven't seen one since I was ten. So here is the breakdown, medical terminology is crazy I didn't know what I had been diagnosed with for the first several months and then one day I was given a paper to take to base to have blood drawn and marked out in black ink was a word that literally hitched my breath and brought tears to my eyes there in the hallway to the office. It took all I had to schedule my next appointment and walk to the car before completely breaking down. I'm betting you are curious what it said. Months ago I would not of told you but now I can. I read Sever Anxiety, ADHA, OCD tendencies, Bi Polar Disorder Type 1 (also known as manic-depressive disorder) and a big fancy term for Mood Disorder. After I spent hours freaking out over it and googeling it (worst thing to do ever) I went in to see my therapist and told him all about the paper and how I was being a huge baby about it and was super upset. He told me they were lables and Bi Polar 1 is not the stereotyped Bi Polar everyone thinks about. Even still the title its self was heart breaking for me. I don't like being broken and I have never looked at my ADHA as broken but then seeing that paper I felt like I was in a million pieces and each one had a mental problem written on it. I didn't even tell my parents. If they read this they now know.. I couldn't bring myself to tell really anyone the diagnosis. (If you knew consider yourself lucky)

      Here I am now, medicated and feeling better. I feel like I can rationalize things like a normal person would. I am not crawling out of bed ready to eat the first stupid person I run into at the store. I don't see my kids covering their ears from me yelling all the time because I'm not yelling all the time. I can feel myself pulling back into my friend circles, my church activities and more importantly my church studies. I haven't felt this well in a few years I'd say. It's not just me. I can feel my relationships with Caylon changing. He confessed a few months back that he was unsure how to talk to me, worried about the smallest things and how I would react to them. Worried to update me on things good, bad or ugly because I didn't act like a normal person would. He said he knew I was distant but never knew how to help and he just felt the space there.

I am still a work in progress but I am to the point I don't feel shameful with people knowing. Judge if you will but just remember I had a problem and though it took time I went and am working to fix said problem. (can you say the same for yourself and your personal issues?) I hope so... really I do because it feels so good to fix a problem that is consuming your life and gain back the control you are meant to have..


I didn't post this for sympathy, I posted it for the exact oppisite for INSPERATION.. If I can inspire just one person to step up and take control of their life wether it be drinking, smoking, losing control like I did, or maybe even being in that distructive relationship. I don't know what it is but hoipefully seeing a bit of sucess will help whomever know there is sucess out their for anyone who trutly steps up and works towards it.. I may be medicated to some degree for the rest of my life, but you know what I look at it like my dads insulin he will always need it to feel somewhat normal and to thrive in society. I will need my medication to feel normal (or better than) and to thrive in society.

So GOOD LUCK whoever you are. 

Behind you are the challenges you have met.

Before you lies new possibilities. 

Today you choose the direction of your life.

Time for 3

For some reason I went into emotional breakdown on Tuesday. We had a knock at the door that afternoon and it was the ups man dropping off the much awaited car seat and jogging stroller I've been drooling over since the day I found out #3 was coming. I was so stinking excited (especially with only about 4 weeks until D-DAY if I even make it that long) The kids and I put it all together and Kaden even set in the stroller which he loved because it is GREEN!! Once I got it all together and stepped back to look at it, the world stopped, WE'RE HAVING ANOTHER BABY!! Yes, I know at 35 1/2 weeks pregnant you'd think I already knew that but until I saw that tiny little car seat sitting in the front room nothing had really set in. It's been 3 years since I've carried a car seat like that. Looking at Kaden sitting in the car seat really made me realize how big he is now, and how big his sister Ri~Lee is. August of this year will be 7 years since I found out I was pregnant with her. Holy Cow seven years.. My babies are growing up infront of my eyes. See for yourself 

Ri~Lee 6 years almost 3 months

 Kaden three years 5 months

 It just stomps my breath when I think that for some reason this beautiful babies were given to me. These sweet smiles are MINE everyday. Sometimes, I know they aren't this cute but at the end of the day when I tuck them in bed and get those kisses I become very excited to welcome another sweet smile into our family in about 4 weeks. The proof is in the picture! I'M READY TO POP!!

Sometimes it's the little things

So days have gone by since I posted about not wanting to be in the spotlight. I went on and on in a random problem rant about not wanting to be in the newspaper in my local home town. I talked about how I felt rejected by the town and many of the people in it.

I don't regret my post nor have my feelings changed to much but today while searching for completely random things on Pintrest (best site ever) I happen to come across this picture.

Now this is not the first time I have ever heard this, but it is something I keep forgetting. It's funny how the little things like randomly stumbling upon a cardboard sign on a website while searching for food ideas can make you feel just that much better about yourself.

In life I tend to forget my mistakes, aren't mistakes all the time. In fact some of those so called mistakes are indeed 'blessings' that I don't recognize until years past. Let me explain.


This may get lengthy and personal:

At 16 I was dating a guy named Kris from another town, he broke my heart and about broke my arm a time or too. I look back now after finding out he is a drug addict and in and out of jail and thank my stars I didn't continue down his path. After getting dumped by Kris I bounced between 2 guys from Verden (Lance and Josh)  Lance was the boy down the road whom I had grown up with watching him and his friends ride 4 wheelers up and down the road. I was completely ignored by them for years then I turn 16 get a car and the recently acquired boobs and contacts may of helped as well and suddenly those 4 wheelers are slowing down and turning into the driveway. Life was good and when I was finally asked to 'hang out' I was over the moon, months go by and I bounced between both Josh and Lance and I began to realize we only hung out at their house or in Josh's case we would go out of town on dates, like a good hour out of town. We never went in public together and come to find out it was because the girls in Verden whom hated me didn't approve of me so I was this hidden girl who was only called when they were bored and alone... After being devastated by the rejection of not only Kris but Lance and Josh, I bounced around to a few not so great guys that got me in so serious trouble with school and my family. In the midst of all this I started hanging out with Lindsey and met Caylon through her. Within a week we started dating, I was just over 16 and he was 19. This was May and he had already decided to not go on a mission for his church which meant nothing to me being I was some form of Baptist Methodist and Christian faith. Come August he tells me he is going to join the AIRFORCE and get out of this town. I was devastated but wasn't about to leave this hearthrob who told me he loved me within the first 2 weeks. He left in Feb and I said I would wait but being in highschool I saw boys everywhere. We were actually broken up when I went to his Basic training graduation and we bounced back and forth from together to not from March on. His Tech school was 5 hours from home so he came home 4th of July to see family and me (broken up at the time) and sometime during that 3 day span of his visit Ri~Lee was created. He was 20 and I was 17 at the time. I found out in August and he wasn't at all happy, nor was I. After going to see him in September over Labor day we decided we were going to get back together and raise this baby. In October he Proposed as he was leaving for the 2 day trip to his new station in Georgia (we had been off and on for a year and a half at this point). In December I decided to fly out for new years and we broke the news to my family I was going to be going to the court house in Georgia to marry him. January 3 2006 we were married in Houston County Court House in Perry Georgia and on March 22 2006 He flew in to Oklahoma to arrive just 5 hours before his baby girl Ri~Lee joined the world. I then moved out to Georgia on Easter weekend of 2006 not even a month after she was born and he deployed in June of that same year so back to Oklahoma I came until August. Finally living together after 7-8 months of marriage at the age of 18 and 21 was hard and I decided we needed to find a church to attend in town. He was not about to budge on the church that was going to be. Even though he had been inactive for the whole time before we got married he was still not about to go anywhere but the mormon church.So I figured why not. In October of 2006 We wen tot his church and by December of that same year, these two amazing elders were scheduling my Baptism date for December 23. I was confirmed a member the same day Ri~Lee was blessed December 2 2006. I was the best Christmas Eve I have ever experienced...

Decemeber 19 2010 we went to the Alabama temple and were sealed to each other and the kids for time and all eternity and are welcoming our third child into the world in just 5 short weeks. This baby will be the first baby born into the covenant and it doesn't make her any more special to me but it does bring me a peace knowing it took us years of doing things backwards and many many MISTAKES on my part but I finally figured out the important things in life.

I guess what I realized today when seeing that cardboard sign is I am not the mistakes I have made, I am the strong religious woman those mistakes which turned into being some of the greatest blessing I could of ever asked for have made me..

Without my mistakes I wouldn't be Mormon, I most likely wouldn't be married to Caylon and there is a strong chance I wouldn't be a mom at this point in my life. All things I wouldn't give up for anything in this world. I am THANKFUL for those mistakes that have become my blessings!!

Best part is the people in my life in Georgia know bout those mistakes/blessings and have expected them head on for what they are mistakes and love what they have made me whether the town I made them in does or not. My past has lead to my amazing present and BRIGHT FUTURE!!

Spot Light~ No thanks!

Okay, so I am one of those people you meet and think to yourself  "this girl loves to talk, and be around people" some may even say she loves the spotlight.. This can be so very true. Yet when it comes to being talked about or shown off in my hometown I want to run screaming in the other direction. Let me explain

I was that girl, the one who let town with no one really thinking I would survive. When I left school I not only had friends telling me getting married and moving to Georgia was never going to work I had some of my favorite teachers say the same thing. Teachers whom had known me since I was a child, personally going out of their way saying I wasn't smart enough to leave early and go to college in Georgia. Not strong enough to raise a child as a young mother married to the military living states away from everything I had ever know. When I came up pregnant it was a shock, of course it wasn't exactly how I saw my future going but the one thing I knew from that positive test on was " I was going to be a mom and I was going to do my Damn best to make it as a wife and mother to a family in the military." I pretty much had Ri~Lee in March and then suddenly packed up and hit the road for Georgia not even a month later, only really telling the 3 or 4 friends I had and family. I was so hurt and done with everyone whom had either left me in the dust when I became pregnant or whom had old me I was going to fail. 


I go back to visit about every 6 months if not more often and in the last  years I've kept my distance from the school and town I spent 17 years in. I went to the school I think 3 times since I moved away and all 3 times were in 2010 for the graduation activities of my sister Stevie. I have not only avoided the school but I avoid the wal-Mart the gas stations. I used to think I did it because I was better then the town, yet, now I am starting to realize it's because I have nothing to prove to the town. I have nothing to prove to the people who doubted me and my abilities or my love for my husband. I don't see the point in telling them how well we are doing. I don't personally think anyone would really care. The few people whom I would want to know about my life are still involved in it and keep in contact with me on facebook.

I haven't thought about nay of this for years but this last week I've found myself dealing with the feelings all over again. See Caylon has won numerous military awards this year topping them off with the AIR FORCE ISR ENLISTED INSTRUCTOR OF THE YEAR. This award is the top, it means he is #1. Because of his many accomplishments over the last year (11 awards to be exact) my wonderful family was wanting to put him in the paper in our home town. I agree this is a wonderful thing and since people love him there it would be wonderful. My grandma and his parents would love it if no one else cares.. The problem I have with it is Caylon and my father are dead set on including me in this article. See what many don't know is I as a Key Spouse in his Squadron was submitted for awards as well. These awards are an honor don't get me wrong. I was truly blessed to be thought of to be submitted for them. I just don't see why the town needs to know about it. It is nothing in comparison to Caylon many military achievements. See his are based unpon performance at work and some are even voted on by his peers in the sq. Mine is based upon voluntary actions I've done in the sq and the community. These are things I just did, not knowing a year later I'd be submitted for these awards. My dad and hubby want it to be included in the article to 'stick it to the town' if you will. They are so proud of what I have done as a mother, wife, and military spouse they want to show those who told me our marriage would fail, who said I wouldn't be a good mother and couldn't handle military life that I can and have survived quite well. My father really wants to have everyone basically eat their words or kiss my ass, years ago I was all for this but now I just want to continue to be forgotten. I don't feel like I even owe that place the knowledge of how well my life has turned out.

I even caught Caylon typing up his news article to email to my dad and he closed it out quickly because he didn't want me to see the typed article. It included my award and how proud of me he was for being a huge military supporter for our sq. He also typed in the text of the e-mail that he knows some of the article will need to be cut out he would prefer some of his info be removed as much as needed as long as my award and info is included in the article.. I of course got mad, that he and my parents were as I feel conspiring against my wishes that I be left out.. I still feel hurt that they are trying to included me in it against my wishes, yet I am trying to force myself to see why they so badly want me in their. I just don't think I compare to the amount of achievements Caylon has earned in his career and especially this past year of 2011.

I know poor me complaining about being recognized by the paper for things I've done. I for once in my life really would like to say NO THANKS on the SPOT LIGHT!!!

The only time I need my name in that paper again is when we renew our wedding vows in 3 1/2 years to celebrate our 10 year anv.

Still not sure I will be able to stay out of the article since I know it's me against Caylon and both my parents. I am almost 100% sure they will sneak me in their somewhere and there isn't a dang thing I ca do or say about it. I just struggle with all my negative memories of the town and many of the people (though some are so totally awesome and I love them). I know some memories I brought on myself if not most to all of them, but being dropped by a group of people you were surrounded by for years at school and especially at church is something I just haven't moved completely past. Yep I know work on that grudge girl!! Ahh, It's a work in progress, I promise.. :)


I know you are all dying to hear if I make it in the paper. I'll let you know... I can say this much, even if my name shows up in print my hugely pregnant face isn't about to get put in the paper... 

Harshly Judged

We are all familiar with stories from the news about teen girls and boys taking their own lives due to teasing, gossip, things such as being completely ignored or let out also tend to play a part.We hear of kids taking guns and knives to school to hurt those who have verbally or physically hurt them and we morn their pain as well as their families pain.


 We tell our children to speak to everyone, to befriend all those they come in contact with yet I wonder as adults do we really strive to do the same. My mom always said "Do As I Say, Not As I do" I can't help but remember back to that and think that is so not how it should be, what about "Do As I do"? How about instead of us telling our children to do what we say and not as we do we actually do as we say as well. How about we try to befriend all those we come in contact with and speak to everyone. It's not like we suddenly hit a certain age and have kids that we become unhurt by peoples actions or comments. We don't develop this turtle shell to bounce off things and keep us safe. We as adults can be hurt just as easily by people speaking mean, or just by them ignoring us or leaving us out. Don't get me wrong, some people get hurt much to easily, but some take much more then their share or the punishment from others and many times it is undeserved.

Why doesn't to cross our minds that adults are just as fragile as children when it comes to playing mind games and speaking ill of them. Why aren't we worried about the things some might do to escape the pain when we are adults. It isn't like things suddenly disappear as adults people still fear there life is harder now then it would be when they are gone. People still cry themselves to sleep at night. Adults still feel like they are constantly being judged by those around them and at times still aren't sure whom their true friends really are. The mere fact that grow adults have to question who they are and who truly loves them who who they are is a very sad thing for me. I've been in this spot, questioning who I was. Wondering if I was ever going to be enough for people to expect, hoping that someday I would meet the standards set forth by those judging me. At some point I realized I didn't need their approval as much as I thought they did. I realize the only approval I need to feel good about myself was mine and Heavenly Father's and as long as I know he approves and I love myself, I found I am more able to approve and LOVE those around me. I am more able to not judge harshly and to not assume what someone is like or what they stand for.

I encourage you all to ponder this next time you tell your kids to befriend someone or to not judge someone, next time you say "DO AS I SAY NOT AS I DO", Ask yourself this AM I DOING AS I SAY?? AM I BEFRIENDING ALL THOSE I CAN AND AM I LOOKING AT PEOPLE WITH AN HONEST HEART AND NOT JUDGING THEM?




If you can answer this then you really not need to work on yourself and for that I congratulate you, but for most of us this is a much tougher question when we really look deep and pursue the honest answer to our lives and the paths we are on.

Time for Change

There comes a time in your life when you grow tired of the normal that has been created around you. At this point you must make a choice, to settle for something you are not happy with and keep living uncomfortably or to be the one to stand up and say I am ready for a new!! This time for me has come and I am so ready and optimistic for a new.. My outlook is positive and my heart is pure for a huge yet possible change in the world around me (specially the small world of WR, not ready to take on the whole world) Let's go I'm as ready as I can be!!

I've been on a high the last 6 weeks or so, a happiness I haven't felt in a great while and in this high I've had I have realized to keep it going changes need to be made in the world around me. My outlook towards all people must continue to be positive like ti has been the last 6 weeks or so and my drive and willingness for a change must stay strong and steadfast.  After  chatting with a few random friends I have come to realize I am not the only one with this grand approach to 2012. I am not alone in this hope for a new more positive world around us and I am not the only one ready to step up and show the love compassion and support needed to help begin this change. 

Everyone knows it only takes 1 person to start a revaluation it just comes down to who has the strength to being said change. Sometimes you don't have to begin a change alone. Once you make the change in your heart and set your mind to it you may find when taking the steps to bring the change outward  that you aren't the only person feeling the same way. By stepping out and showing a positive change you may find others stepping out and doing the same thing. People finding strength in you and finding strength in themselves to reach up and out to make a similar if not same change in their lives. 

2011 was a difficult year for many people I know including myself. By the close of the year I became so tired of being so tired and negative about the people and thing in my life I realized I couldn't live this way and to move past this changes needed to be made. The truth of the matter is a lot of the unhappiness I was feeling was self inflected by worries or stress and even doubt I put on myself. That can be seen outward after a while and others can feed on that and you never really know the effect it can have on those around you. I know I've seen it and felt it myself.  Not anymore! I am making a PACT not a resolution( cause people always give up on those by feb) to keep my heart pure as I can continue my prayers and keep the love I have found for myself and share that with others. May around me have battles they are fighting eternally  and may  be able to feel the positive vibe I am putting of. I may spark hope or a change in others just by making a change in myself.

I encourage everyone to open up their hearts and minds and expect this PACT along with me for a newer, happier and more loving self in 2012. After all the world is ending in Dec :) let's go out with a bang. Just kidding I know it's not over yet!! 

BOY or GIRL

After having 2 kids (1 girl and 1 boy) this pregnancy I haven't been able to get my gut feeling on the gender. I am really okay either way but thought it would be fun to try every single old wise tell gender prediction test I can find and see what results I get between now and the end of Feb when I find out from the doctor.

 The Baking Soda Test — Put enough baking soda into a cup to cover the bottom, then pee into the cup. If the baking soda fizzes, you’re having a boy, if it doesn't react, a girl. IT'S A GIRL

 The Cabbage Test — Cut one red cabbage into chunks, boil for 10 minutes, then set aside. Head for the bathroom, and pee into a cup. In a separate cup, mix 1 part urine with 1 part cabbage water. If the water turns pink or red, this indicates boy. If the water is purple, it’s a girl. MINE SAID GIRL

The Drano Test —  Fill one glass jar wtih 2 tablespoons of Crystal Drano, a second glass jar should contain 2-3 ounces of urine. Take test materials outside (I feel like I should recommend safety glasses, or maybe even discourage trying this one at all!), and pour urine into the glass with the Drano. If the mixture turns dark brown within 10 seconds, it’s a boy—no change, it’s a girl.  IT'S A GIRL

 Hairline Gender Test — If this is your second child, check your son or daughters neck hairline. If the hairline comes to a point, the baby you are pregnant with will be the opposite gender. If the hairline goes straight across, it will be the same gender. This test also indicated boy for me. BOY for us Kaden's hair line is straight across

 Chinese Gender Chart — 

Mother's Chinese Age At Time Of Conception

Month of Conception

18

19

20

21

22

23

24

25

26

27

28

29

30

31

32

33

34

35

36

37

38

39

40

41

42

43

44

45

January

G

B

G

B

G

B

B

G

B

G

B

G

B

B

B

G

B

B

G

B

G

B

G

B

G

B

B

G

February

B

G

B

G

B

B

G

B

G

B

G

B

G

G

G

B

G

B

B

G

B

G

B

G

B

G

B

B

March

G

B

G

G

B

G

B

B

B

G

B

G

G

B

B

B

B

G

B

B

G

B

G

B

G

B

G

B

April

B

G

B

G

G

B

B

G

G

B

G

G

G

G

G

B

G

B

G

B

B

B

B

G

B

G

B

G

May

B

G

B

G

B

B

G

G

G

G

G

B

G

G

G

G

G

G

B

G

B

B

G

B

G

B

B

G

June

B

B

B

G

G

G

B

B

B

G

G

B

G

G

G

G

G

G

G

B

G

G

B

G

B

G

B

G

July

B

B

B

G

G

B

B

G

G

B

B

B

G

G

G

G

G

G

G

G

B

G

B

B

G

B

G

B

August

B

B

B

G

B

G

G

B

B

B

B

B

G

G

G

B

G

B

G

B

G

B

G

B

B

G

B

G

September

B

B

B

G

G

B

G

B

G

B

B

B

G

G

G

G

G

G

B

G

B

G

B

G

B

B

G

B

October

B

B

G

G

G

B

G

B

G

B

B

G

G

G

G

G

G

G

B

B

G

B

G

B

G

B

B

G

November

B

G

B

G

G

B

G

B

G

G

G

G

B

G

G

G

B

B

B

G

B

G

B

G

B

B

G

B

December

B

G

B

G

G

G

G

B

G

B

G

G

B

B

B

B

B

B

B

B

G

G

G

B

G

B

G

B

 THIS SAYS BOY

Gold Ring on Gold necklace- This an easy baby gender prediction method to try. Take a pin, needle, or wedding ring and attach it to a thread or strand of hair. Hold the dangling item over mom to be's belly or wrist while she is lying down. If the needle or wedding ring swings in a strong circular motion, you will be having a girl. If it moves in a to and fro motion like a pendulum, you will be having a boy. GIRL for me

Nose test- Not much of a test but I've been told the wideness of your nose during pregnancy can predict gender, thanks to a friend (Claire) I've been told it is A GIRL

Heart Rate-The theory states that if your baby's heart rate was 140 beats per minute and above, you would be having a girl. If the heart rate was under 140 beats per minute, then you would be having a boy. mine says  GIRL

If anyone has anymore tests let me know I have months of waiting so I'd love to challenge the tests! :)

SO for now Girl is outweighs boy. I go to the doc this week for my 16 week check and will be picking a date to confirm or deny these test results!! Stay tuned!!